Are you between the ages of 40 and 60? Are you providing some care for or assistance to aging parents or grandparents? Are you still raising your children, caring for or assisting your adult children, or have some responsibility for your grandchildren? If you've answered "yes" to these questions, then you're a member of the ever-growing "Sandwich" Generation.
Work/Family Directions Inc., a Boston-based consulting firm, estimates 22 percent of the American population has eldercare responsibilities while raising their own families. The percentage is expected to grow according to Claudia Wallis of Time magazine (1992). Her research indicates that by the year 2020, there will be 15 million Americans who are 85 or older and by the year 2050, 22 percent of the population will be 65 or older. The average American has more parents living today than they have children. Four out of five of the elderly who are disabled are cared for by relatives, mostly daughters. More young adults are staying in their parents' homes longer or are returning because they have difficulty handling financial responsibilities on their own. Because of complicated relationships, divorces, and single parenting, more grandparents are taking on the responsibility of raising their grandchildren.
How does involuntary membership in this Sandwich Generation impact your life? Significantly! There is emotional, logistical, and financial strain. There's strain on your relationships with your parents, your partner, your siblings, and your children. It's likely you'll feel guilty because you don't or can't do more to help your parents. After all, they raised you and they deserve to be taken care of, right? You feel guilty because you're taking time, energy, and attention away from your own children and your partner. You have less time for yourself. What was once leisure time is now spent caring for and assisting your parents: traveling long and short distances; making contacts and arrangements with doctors, home health care agencies, and nursing homes; and negotiating with siblings about responsibilities.
If your parents live with you, you have to restructure your living environment and will, most likely, lose some of your privacy. If you have no siblings to call upon, then you will likely feel overwhelmed and burdened by this responsibility. If the parent you're caring for is your partner's parent, resentment can erupt. You're forced to come face-to-face with your parents' death as well as your own.
Eldercare is expensive and becoming more so every day. It's likely you'll have to deal with major financial considerations unless your parents were financially astute, forward thinking, and able to set aside substantial funds as they planned for their old age and declining health.
If your adult children have returned home, you have to develop a different type of relationship. If you're caring for a grandchild, you're faced with all the parent-child issues that arise all over again. Your younger children may feel neglected and ignored. It's no wonder that Melynda Dovel Wilcox of the Kiplinger's Personal Finance Magazine (1995) refers to this generation as the "Squeezed" Generation.
Although the disadvantages of membership seem to outweigh the advantages, there are some benefits. Often times old wounds are healed and family ties are strengthened. There's a sense of satisfaction knowing that you've helped others out in their time of need. There's opportunity for mentoring the young. There's opportunity for demonstrating love for others. For the elderly, they will likely have a sense of security knowing that their needs are being addressed, and they find being with others stimulating. For younger children, they, too, are given an opportunity to feel safe, loved and have their physical and emotional needs met.
So, what can you do to maintain your sanity, take care of your own needs and those of your immediate family, and not go broke? Here are some suggestions.
1. Be practical and creative. Let go of your need to create the optimal solutions for the problems of the older and younger generations. Do what you reasonably can. If there aren't enough family members to share the load, hire other people to help you. Do what's convenient for those who have hands-on responsibilities. Keep your perspective sharp.
Anyone related to or connected with your parents or children must be asked to assist in taking care of their needs. Your partner can pick up medication from the pharmacy on the way home from work. Your 10-year old can stop by for a short visit on his way home from school. Your siblings can take turns taking your mother shopping. The responsibility for taking care of your parents belongs to all of their children.
3. Set parameters and identify responsibilities. Have a family meeting with all of those affected by the care of the elder parent, the grandchild, or the adult child living at home. Clearly delineate and agree to responsibilities so no one person carries an unreasonable burden for the care of the person. Encourage as much independence as is practical. Refrain from doing for others what they can do for themselves.
4. Be fiscally responsible. Retain the services of a financial planner who can help you assess what assets your parents have and how they can best be spent to meet financial obligations. Using your own assets to pay their bills should be considered a last resort.
5. Take care of legal responsibilities. Work with an attorney who has expertise in eldercare or custody of young children. Make sure there are viable and duly executed Powers of Attorney for financial and health care decisions, a living will with instructions regarding life-support, and a final will for distributing assets after death. Make other legal decisions based on the advice of the attorney.
6. Use community resources. Keep in mind there are services and information available in your community to assist you with eldercare as well as childcare. Ask people you know who are also members of the Sandwich Generation. Contact religious and civic organizations. Check with the United Way and your employer. Use the resources list at the end of this article for other suggestions.
7. Nurture yourself and your immediate family regularly. Giving to others can deplete your inner sources of strength. Make time to renew your own spirit and energy so you'll be able to give what you desire. Do whatever it is that brings you rest and pleasure. Make plans with the family for special afternoons at the park or movies and popcorn at home. Go on a date with your partner.
8. Simplify your life. Look at what is extraneous or demanding more of your time and attention than you now have. Eliminate what you really don't want to do or don't have the time to do anymore. Resign from volunteer activities that take you away from your family or that interfere with time you need for yourself.
9. Consider a work-at-home option. Whether it's in agreement with your employer or out of your desire or necessity to start your own business, having your workspace at home gives you flexibility. You might need to take a parent or a grandchild to a doctor's appointment and can still get important letters written in the early morning hours or later in the evening.
10. Use technology. Staying in touch, accessing information, and doing business in a virtual office are easier than ever. Maximize the use of telephones, pagers, cellular phones, facsimiles, modems, and on-line services. Even if you're waiting in the doctor's office for a consultation, you can still keep in touch with your customers.
11. Plan for your own elder years. Evaluate your financial situation to determine how prepared you are for your own elder years. Using the expertise of a financial planner will help you determine what steps you need to take to be as prepared as one can be for retirement and health concerns.
When you're caught in the middle of today's complex multi-generational family obligations and concerns, it's easy to feel the emotional, financial, and logistical squeeze and lose your perspective. Maintaining a balance among helping others with their needs, addressing those of your immediate family, and getting your own met is a perpetual challenge. This balance is critical if you want to avoid resentment and regret. Be proactive. Share the responsibility and satisfaction that arises when you care for others while caring for yourself.
Available Resources
You can get assistance, support, and information from these resources:
The Alzheimer's Association (800-272-3900)
The American Association of Homes and Services for the Aging (202-783-2242)
The American Association of Retired Persons (202-434-3525)
Children of Aging Parents (215-945-6900)
National Family Caregivers Association (800-896-3650).
The National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys (602-881-4005)
The National Alliance for Caregiving (301-718-8444)
The National Association for Area Agencies on Aging/Eldercare Locator (800-677-1116)
The National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers (602-881-8008)
America Online 800-827-6364
CompuServe 800-848-8199
Helping Yourself Help Others: A Book for Caregivers by Rosalynn Carter. (The former First Lady discusses her own experiences with caregiving, offers practical advice and provides an extensive list of eldercare resources.) $20
The Sandwich Generation Magazine. (Contact: The Sandwich Generation, Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132). $14 for annual subscription.
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